I think most of us would hesitate to accept that we may have the Victim Saboteur as one of our coping mechanisms. We don’t like to think of ourselves as victims. But the Victim Saboteur is very effective at least in the short term in helping us get our needs met. So it’s no wonder that many of us have adopted this saboteur to “keep us safe and connected to others.”
The victim saboteur uses emotion to get attention and love. Often there is a preoccupation with one’s inner feelings. It’s tricky. Because as evolved humans it’s important to be in touch with what’s going on inside us. It helps us to set boundaries and to decide what is right for us. If you are being afflicted however, with the Victim Saboteur, then you will notice that there’s not anything very empowering about it. The Victim Saboteur keeps you mired in your victimhood and leads to a feeling of helplessness.
One of the characteristics of the Victim Saboteur is the inability to handle any type of criticism without sulking and withdrawing. Often a person who has this as a saboteur is thought of as dramatic and temperamental. They may even be unconsciously attached to having difficulties. They want to be the one with the biggest problem when they get together with their friends. They often have thoughts something like, “No one understands me or terrible things always happen to me, there’s something wrong with me and I wish somebody would rescue me.” They tend to stay stuck in negative feelings for long periods of time and may feel alone even when around friends and family.
So why do so many of us adopt this saboteur as young children and carry it forward into adulthood? Well it works! At least for a while. People will gather around listening to our problems encouraging and comforting. And that feels good. There’s this feeling of connection and love. As a culture we almost honor sadness and problems as noble, insightful or sensitive.
Unfortunately, allowing the Victim Saboteur to control our lives has major downsides. First of all, we tend to wear out our friends and family. They get frustrated and feel helpless because they can’t make us happy. We waste a lot of our life energy on processing negative experiences. In the end it often chases off our more positive friends.
If you are feeling like the Victim Saboteur may be one of your main saboteurs don’t despair. The first step is looking at how this saboteur shows up in your life. Our saboteurs do not like us looking at them. They want to operate quietly in the background. So watch for it. Maybe even write down how you’ve seen it show up in your day today. Once you do that, then you will be more at choice when it shows up. What do you want to do differently? Maybe it’s just limiting how much time you spend thinking about something negative that happened to you. Maybe it’s asking yourself what can I do in this situation to make it better? And maybe there’s nothing you can do to fix this situation. So then the question might be, how can I make myself feel just a little bit better today? As you take these steps you will begin to loosen the grip of the Victim Saboteur on your life. I think you will enjoy the new feelings of empowerment and strength that you will experience.
Have an Amazing Monday (and everyday!)
Leanna Fredrich, Leadership, Career and Stress-Management Coach
Leanna@amazingmondays.com
PS: If you want to take an assessment to identify your saboteurs here is the link –https://www.positiveintelligence.com/assessments/