It’s easy to guess why the Pleaser Saboteur is a “favorite” of so many of us. Starting very young our survival ( or so we thought) was linked to making our caregivers happy. We learned to please others to get along in this world. ” If my teacher likes me he/she will give me better grades.” “If my classmates like me I won’t sit alone at the lunch table.” A common refrain of many people run by The Pleaser is, “I can make anyone like me.” They are probably right if you look at the surface. They can get along with a lot of people because of what they do for them or how they always agree with them. It is often only external. The person who they are trying to please really doesn’t know them. Do they like them? Not necessarily. But they do like that they are saying and doing things that please them.
Another strong belief many of us were raised with it that we need to put other’s needs first. We are taught that asking for what we need is selfish. Maybe we also experienced asking for our needs and being rejected. Then we fear that if we ask for our needs we will drive others away.
I was so excited to find this image because I think it powerfully illustrates the dark side of the Pleaser Saboteur. The person driven by this saboteur feels as if their needs are invisible to others and maybe even unnecessary. They often hide who they are from others and more tragically themselves. In order to get their needs met they only focus on what others need. They do, do and do some more until they are exhausted! In the process of pleasing their way to acceptance they lose sight of their own desires.
Contrary to their hopes their needs to not go away! Their own needs come out in the desire for constant gratitude and acknowledgement. When they do not get enough of this recognition ( and it’s never enough!) then resentment builds. It is so often easier to look outside at someone else’s saboteurs so lets do that for a minute. Have you ever had someone in your life who was a Pleaser? Did you ever feel like their were strings attached to their giving? Did you feel their resentment? They probably won’t utter a complaint but you can feel it energetically.
The lies the Pleaser Saboteur tells – I expect nothing in return because I am doing this selflessly. Other’s should be more like me. The world would be such a better place if they did!
The Pleaser allows themselves to be used and abused. And it’s not just bad news for The Pleaser, those that are close to and taken care of by the Pleaser can get overly dependent on them for help. This leads to resentment on their part as well as a loss of confidence. The relationship can become an ugly stew of manipulation, resentment and dishonesty.
If this all resonates for you, know that you are not alone! Begin by asking what you need. And then taking baby steps begin honoring your needs. Start small. I know this can be so overwhelming and downright scary to do this. Notice when The Pleaser is showing up. See it for what it is. Then begin acknowledging when you don’t want to do something or when you have a need that is not being met. Now you can take an action that feels right to you. I know this can be hard to change on your own so if you need support I’d be happy to coach you through it.
By choosing to weaken the power of the Pleaser Saboteur you may lose some “friends” but the ones you keep will really know you and love you. It won’t be about what you do for them instead they will see and appreciate you for who you are. That is priceless!
Have an Amazing Monday (and everyday!)
Leanna Fredrich, Leadership, Career and Stress-Management Consultant
Leanna@amazingmondays.com
PS: If you want to take an assessment to identify your saboteurs here is the link –https://www.positiveintelligence.com/assessments/