I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at my sister’s wedding. I had spent the morning caring for my 4-year old son and doing my sister’s makeup. (She looked beautiful by the way!) By the time I took a minute to look at myself in the mirror I realized that the perm I had just gotten was an unfortunate mistake and quite honestly I looked like a hot mess so let’s just say my self esteem was not super high.
The reception was at the church we had grown up in, full of people we had known since children. One of the older women walked up to me and after a brief greeting decided to comment on my posture. Now, I have always struggled with my posture. Sadly, slumping seems to come naturally to me. Not only did she think it necessary to say that I should stand up straight she also went on to enlighten me on the fact that if I did not correct this, it would somehow cause female problems. In shock I just stared at her. She then went on to say, “Oh, you already have female problems. Huh?” At this point I was ready to tell her in no uncertain terms how inappropriate her comments were. Then I thought of how uncomfortable that would make her. Not only that, but my Mother was standing there and I would make her uncomfortable too. So I swallowed my words, laughed awkwardly and moved on. This choice haunted me for years afterwords. I felt like I let myself down. Why was her comfort more important then mine? Why did I allow myself to be put down just to preserve her feelings?
I was recently talking with a friend about this tendency to always want others to feel comfortable even at my expense. She laughed and said that she knew exactly what I meant. This drive to smooth things over, to keep others from squirming in discomfort even when they absolutely should be squirming! You might be thinking that it is lovely of me to do that. To worry about others feelings before my own. How unselfish of me! I was raised to believe that putting others first was honorable. But at what expense? How much of my self esteem was chipped away as I was being “unselfish?“ And am I really doing the other person any favors allowing them to be rude? My pattern of behavior in the past was to not say anything and then avoid the person like the plague for the rest of my life. Not particularly a healthy pattern!
Can you relate? Do you smooth things over at the expense of your self worth? Do you have trouble speaking up for yourself? Do you often tell yourself that “it’s not important” or “they really didn’t mean that.”
I recently found this quote by Tara Brach…This revolutionary act of treating ourselves tenderly can begin to undo the aversive messages of a lifetime.” It really resonated with me. This is what I have been learning to do. To treat myself with tenderness and kindness. To speak up for myself. I am still learning and sometimes as I speak up I bumble around awkwardly because it’s still new. But I love how I feel when I put myself on equal footing with those around me. When I treat myself with as much respect as I do others. My relationships are more honest and intimate. It really is worth the discomfort to be respectfully honest. And it’s okay to allow others to squirm when they have done or said something squirm-worthy!
Here are a few steps that have helped me speak up and treat myself with tenderness…
- Keep in tune with your body . When someone says something rude it registers in the body first. A tightness or a punch to the gut feeling. Notice the feeling and honor it.
- Speak up as respectfully and with as much grace as possible stating how their statement made you feel.
- Know that you do not control how they feel or how they react to your words.
- Honor yourself for speaking up.
- Rinse and repeat as necessary!
Have an Amazing Monday. (and everyday!)
Leanna Fredrich Stress Management Coach, Adv. EFT, Adv. Psych-K
If you need support as you learn to speak up for yourself email me at Leanna@amazingmondays.com
Here’s a tapping script to release those stressful emotions that come up while learning to speak up for yourself.
Tapping Script
Karate Chop: Even though I find it hard to speak up for myself, I accept my feelings.
Even though I’ve been taught it’s better not to make waves I love and accept myself anyway.
Even though I’m afraid they won’t like me if I speak up I love and accept myself anyway.
Eyebrow: I should keep quiet.
Side of Eye: They didn’t mean it.
Under Eye: I always say it wrong.
Under Nose: I might hurt their feelings.
Chin Point: I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Collar Bone: I’m not worth speaking up for.
Under Arm: I learned that from ________________
Top of Head: It’s my job to make people comfortable.
This topic can really open up some old wounds so don’t be surprised if intense negative emotions come up. Just keep tapping until the negative emotions you are feeling are below a 5 on a scale of 1-10. Then you may move to the positive round.
Positive Round:
Eyebrow: Speaking up for myself makes me feel strong and loved.
Side of Eye: People need to know when they hurt me.
Under Eye: I will learn to do this with grace and respect.
Under Nose: It’s okay that I’m not good at it to start with.
Chin Point: I deserve to be treated with love.
Collar Bone: I treat myself with respect and tenderness.
Top of Head: I am loved.