Every single human on the planet has The Judge as a saboteur. The Judge however does not work alone. It has assistants! One of the judge’s assistant saboteur’s is the Avoider. See if this description resonates with you… The Avoider saboteur focuses on the positive in an extreme way. At the same time it avoids unpleasant or uncomfortable tasks, conversations or situations. You may think, “well. that’s not too bad!” Focusing on the positive is a good thing.
Here’s the problem – an Avoider will often say “yes” to things they don’t want to do. Then instead of doing the task they will passively-aggressively procrastinate. An Avoider will ignore or gloss over real problems that need to be dealt with until they get so big that they can’t be ignored. At this point the Avoider will continue avoiding or lash out inappropriately because they just can’t take it anymore.
Here are some common thought patterns for an Avoider – “I don’t want to make a scene.” “I don’t like conflict so I just won’t deal with this.” “It will probably work itself out.”
‘By not dealing with issues an Avoider suppresses negative emotions. They will experience anxiety about uncompleted tasks or unspoken concerns. They pride themselves on being balanced, peaceful and easy to get along with. The problem is that this easy-going attitude is external only. When an avoider is honest with themselves they will admit that internally they are not experiencing much peace!
Every saboteur tells lies to justify their existence. The lies of an Avoider are – “It’s good to be a peacemaker.” ” I am flexible. “Conflict is never good.
By avoiding conflict and unpleasantness we miss out on the gift that problem or conflict brings. We miss out on learning lessons like how to ask for what you want and how to disagree with others in a calm, collaborative way. What an Avoider calls being “calm” is not calm at all. What they are often experiencing is numbness. Nothing is learned by not feeling at all. Those in a relationship with an Avoider soon learn that they cannot trust them to tell the truth about what they think. So the relationship stays superficial and intimacy is stifled.
If you are busy nodding your head and saying “yes” to a lot of these statements your next question may be, “I know one of my judges valued assistants is “The Avoider.” What do I do about it?” The first step is to notice when the Avoider shows up. Let the Avoider know you see it! Call it by name. The next step is as simple as taking some deep breaths, get present to the moment and choose a different behavior. I’ll be sharing some of the “Wise Powers” you can use to deal with saboteurs as I blog throughout the year.
Have an Amazing Monday (and everyday!)
Leanna Fredrich, Leadership, Career and Stress-Management Consultant
Leanna@amazingmondays.com
PS: If you want to take an assessment to identify your saboteurs here is the link –https://www.positiveintelligence.com/assessments/